People think they are unlovable.
Not in the sense of thinking about it all the time or constantly crying Woe Is Me, but deep down, in the so-called heart, yes this is a wildly common thought.
(If mind is now saying, “Well not me! I don’t think I’m unlovable!”, I’ll just say, OK you are that rare exception. Just you though. No one else.)
Anyway, not that it matters what we think, because this is just a thought and it’s not us and it’s not real and has no power and it’s just words and … y'know, yada yada.
It's just that this particular thought is so pervasive and feels so core that it’s a great doorway into a different way of experiencing.
So in today’s Mind-Tickler I’m focusing on thought-content for a change. Because this one is everywhere, admitted or not.
Though I do realize that I’m not supposed to acknowledge thoughts of unlovability. Unlovability is bad. C’mon Judy, give us encouraging positives and empowerments! Give us manifesting love! No one wants defeatist, discouraging negatives. That's so not cool.
See, this is why I can’t have nice things. Because I’m going to talk about it anyway.
For instance, can you see that the positive-outlook, “I’m lovable” stuff is not natural for us humans?
Look how hard we have to work for the positive, how we have to rehearse affirmations and take courses to learn to be positive and read books about how to develop it. Look what a hard time we have forcing ourselves to accept compliments instead of believing them effortlessly. Look how much energy and push it takes, how squirmy it is, to say openly, “I am wonderful and lovable.”
In contrast we don't have to work hard at all for the negative position. That comes one-two-three, even though we don't even want it.
Negative thoughts are the default, the start-point. Unlovability is the reset.
That's because the self story requires inadequacy in order to continue occupying so much mental real estate. Otherwise it starts to ebb away. And we can’t have that.
But negative stories about ourselves can't be too obvious either. It's much harder to pretend that story is what we are when it is front and center. Hiding makes faking easier. Which creates much craziness in the effort to hide, change or not acknowledge the existence of unlovable-ness.
So many unwanted behaviors, addictions and reactions exist to keep this "secret' from showing: manipulating for love, trying to be some version of ‘normal’, relationship counseling, inquiry, self help books, cosmetic surgery, diets, 12-steps and tons more. Even the need for agreement and 'like-minded people' is an attempt to hide unlovable-ness.
"See? Others agree with me! I'm part of a group! So I'm lovable! ... Right?"
And it's not enough that WE buy this false story of lovability; we want others to buy into it too. We like people who think we’re great. We don't like people who don’t think much of us. Even though we secretly don’t think much of ourselves, we want them to.
We just want to fool them.
And woe to all if we don’t fool them. We get terribly hurt and furious with people who don’t fall for our presentation. Oh they make us crazy! Parents who didn’t “give us what we need,” critical teachers, disapproving unimpressed bosses. We want them to think we’re great, dammit! “Hey don’t you force me to notice my unlovability! How dare you! Look at me, I’m beautiful and smart and sexy and successful. C’mon, don’t you see?”
Hello approval-seeking. Hello in-authenticity.
Not to mention Comparing and Judgments, which, as any spiritual seeker knows, are Very Bad and Should Stop Right Now.
But we need them. When inadequacy is unacknowledged, we need to check ourselves against something, to find examples out there of both what we should be and aren’t, and also what we’re better than. Otherwise how are we going to know whether we’re doing a good job of hiding the unlovability?
So this unlovable thing is very time consuming, a big part of what we’ve come to accept as who we are. So it’s not going away anytime soon.
Which tells us that maybe the problem isn’t unlovability.
Maybe it’s the denial, the idea that we shouldn’t be unlovable.
Because really, why not? I mean, let’s say it’s true, we are indeed unlovable.
Is it the end of the world? Is there no room for imperfect un-lovables here on this planet? Must everyone be lovable?
How monotonous would that be?
What would happen if we were able to stop trying to hide or pretend inadequacy isn’t there?
And even though chicken-little mind might start trotting out visions of consequences and saying, “Nooo! You’ll die alone, under a bridge, never getting anything done!” right about now, it is just possible that the mind’s presentations of disaster are (gasp) wrong, and that it’s unable to predict the future.
So maybe we can at least consider not fighting unlovability. Just... consider. Because it could be it’s the fighting and denial that has made us crazy. It could be that when we surrender to what (we think) we are, the relief in not fighting any more is huge.
“Yes I’m unlovable. That’s how it is. So what. What’s for dinner?”
It could be the end of trying endlessly to fix this Me thingy.
It could be the end of self-hatred.
I mean, we might not even know who we are anymore.
Which, oddly enough, happens to be the desired outcome of so much spirituality and self-help.
And which just might be an easily, naturally positive experience. With no affirmations necessary.
Just the opposite, in fact.
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